


Processing

by WhiteRiverOfYouth



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Ellie (The Last of Us) Needs a Hug, POV Ellie (The Last of Us), Parent Joel (The Last of Us)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25901080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteRiverOfYouth/pseuds/WhiteRiverOfYouth
Summary: As Joel and Ellie ride away from the ranch house, the two use the reprive to process just what the fuck happened in that upstairs bedroom.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 43





	Processing

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Don't mind me, I'm just posting another work I originally posted on FanFiction.net over here. This one-shot is set during The Last of Us Part I, for what it's worth. You, my dear readers, get the benefit of having this fic ran through my Grammarly extension. I didn't have this extension when I originally posted it to FFN, but I'll update that in due time. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

Ellie couldn’t help but hang her head as the horses slowly walked along the wooded trail. The sun was beginning to set, and while she would usually love the beautiful sunset the world provided, she couldn’t bring herself to do so this time. Her life had, once again, flipped upside down again. This time, however, it hurt more than she ever thought possible. She couldn’t look forward, and she definitely couldn’t look at Joel as he rode behind her.

_ Joel. _

His cutting words from the ranch house still cut their way through her brain like an unforgiving verbal dagger. While Ellie had always prided herself on her overall stubbornness and ability to see the light in everything, she just felt so small, so vulnerable, so  _ hopeless.  _

_ “You have no idea what loss is.” _

_ “Everyone I have cared for has either died or left me. Everyone...fucking except for you. So don’t tell me I’d be safer with someone else when the truth is I’d just be more scared.” _

She had meant every single word of that statement. And the cutting, almost pained reply sliced through every bit of hope Ellie had obtained ever she met her Texan companion. 

_ “You’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your Dad. And we are going our separate ways.” _

Subconsciously, Ellie did see Joel as a father figure. How could she not? He was old enough to be her father. She felt more of a connection with Joel than she did with her biological father. Hell, he did all of the things Ellie assumed fathers were supposed to do. He was always there for her when she needed it. He protected her with his fucking life. He was her idea of  _ home.  _

Joel was the one constant in her wild, inconsistent journey of life. He was the one person who actually seemed to give a fuck about her. While she couldn’t deny that Marlene cared, it was just  _ different from _ Joel. Maybe that’s what traveling across the entire fucking country does to two people, but it was a feeling Ellie couldn’t lie to herself about. Hell, if she was  _ completely and totally honest with herself,  _ she was beginning to love Joel. A thought that scared and excited her at the same time. 

Ellie finally looked up to admire the sunset, hoping it would bring a beautiful reprieve from the thoughts racking her brain right now. The orange tint of the sky did paint a breathtaking picture that Ellie could only dream of capturing in any way. However, the sunset provided a twisted analogy to her current situation. She felt as if whoever controlled the sun was playing a cruel game. As the sun sank below the horizon, Ellie could only think of how much of the hope she had built up over the past year fell with it.

* * *

As the adrenaline from killing the bandits in the ranch house wore off, Joel’s thoughts returned to the conversation with the red-haired girl he had come to know so much over the past year. In his mind, it was the culmination of a months-long internal struggle that ferociously raged within him. The chasm between what he wanted to do and what he felt he needed to do was already wide, to begin with, but that conversation only exasperated the situation. 

What Joel felt he needed to do was pawn this little girl off on some other poor soul, and just wipe his hands with the entire ordeal. He had felt this way since they buried Sam and Henry months prior. At this point, he didn’t really care about the payment the Fireflies had promised. Hell, it wouldn’t do him any good now, not with Tess being dead and him being one of the most wanted men in the Boston QZ at this point. Where he went after he cut his losses with this situation, he didn’t know. All he knew was that he just needed to get out. 

However, he didn’t  _ want  _ to get out, much to the chagrin of the voice in his head telling him that Bill was right. For the first time in 20 years, Joel had found a stable reason to keep fighting. He found a reason to look forward to the next day. He had found a reason to justify not ending it all. And it was all because of Ellie. She was his reason to keep going. She represented hope in more ways than one. She represented hope not only for humanity at large but for Joel’s humanity as well.

He was a piece of shit; he had come to realize. All of the years he had spent spinning a tale that the trail of innocent bodies left in his wake were a means to the end of survival made him embarrassed. He was no better than FEDRA. He was no better than any hunter or bandit trying to make ends meet in a world that would rather see everyone killed. He was a survivor, yes, but he wasn’t a good person. 

Maybe that is what caused him to try and cut his losses with Ellie. If she’s with someone else, her corpse won’t rest on his conscious, right? It was something he had tried to justify within himself, yet found he was unable to. He ultimately tried his last resort. He decided to try and see if he could picture him surviving this far if it wasn’t for Ellie. Indeed, he and Tess would have smuggled their way throughout Boston until the end of time. Physically, he would have been fine. 

Mentally and emotionally? Joel realized he would have been  _ fucked.  _ He loved Tess dearly, but they weren’t going to have any kids. And Joel finally realized that, more than anything, he has just wanted to be a father again. This thought prompted a reminder of what he had said to Ellie before bandits jumped them. 

_ “You’re right. You’re not my daughter. And I sure as hell ain’t your Dad. And we are going our separate ways.” _

This time, however, all that he saw after that was the pained look that had spread across her face. He saw the pain and the hurt those green eyes, even behind the pools of tears that threatened to burst like a broken water pipe. And it disgusted him because  _ he  _ had caused it all. Her words now took precedence over any other thought in his head.

_ “Don’t tell me that I would be safer with someone else because the truth is I would just be more scared.” _

It was at this moment that Joel finally realized the depth of what Ellie was trying to convey. She wasn’t saying,  _ “I need you to take me to the Fireflies.”  _ She was flat out, telling Joel,  _ “I need you.”  _ And it was at this moment Joel finally admitted to himself,  _ “I need you too, kiddo.” _

The horses came to a spot that overlooked Jackson proper. Joel had to admit that he was impressed. Houses, markets, restaurants, and a litany of things he had taken for granted lined the streets, and he could vaguely make out people just going on about their lives. It seemed  _ peaceful.  _ It seemed like everything Joel had wanted since Outbreak Day tore everything down. It seemed like everything Ellie had deserved. 

Joel heard Tommy say something about kids and movies, but the oldest member of the Miller family made a snap decision, and he needed information. “Where is this lab of theirs?” Joel asked, ignoring the movie comment. Turning to his brother, Tommy provided that the lab was on the campus of the University of Eastern Colorado. Joel smiled slightly. “Go Big Horns.”

Turning to the girl behind him, he commanded, “Ellie, get on-off your horse. Give it on back to Tommy.” And the look on Ellie’s face when the realization hit her, the  _ happiness  _ that filled those piercing green eyes, Joel knew he had made the right decision.


End file.
